My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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