yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
the day after is always just damage control
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
