The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
How's work?
Spinning.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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