Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
