Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
