She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
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