Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Randomize
