I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
