Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
