woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
