I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Are we still banned from the library?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
