id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
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