I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize