i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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