Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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