I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize