was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
