my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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