Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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