The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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