Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
well you can't waste a boner
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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