you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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