i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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