woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
