In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i will never coherently bang her
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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