I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
