1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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