im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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