You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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