I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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