Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
