i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I need water and some morals
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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