She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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