Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
