I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
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