everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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