Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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