Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Randomize
