saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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