o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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