Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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