I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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