I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
