I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
