He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
