Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
