I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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