Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
me + whiskey = a bad person
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
