so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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