I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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