I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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