I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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