areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize