I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
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