I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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