Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
