I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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